The funny corner

daib0
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Re: The funny corner

Post by daib0 » Wed Feb 28, 2018 7:58 am

The Banker

A hotshot London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping.
More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Londoner banker looks down in horror. ‘Oh no!' he screams... Where's my f**-- Rolex?"
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daib0
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Re: The funny corner

Post by daib0 » Thu Mar 01, 2018 7:58 am

Last night there was a talent show at our local club.
One of the entrants was a gorgeous blonde female ventriloquist. You don't see many female ventriloquists.
What was even more surprising was that she performed topless.
She was really good. I didn't see her lips move once...
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jimileysbaldhead
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Re: The funny corner

Post by jimileysbaldhead » Thu Mar 01, 2018 9:08 am

A tramp walks into a jewellers, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole.
The sales assistant shouts at him "Stop what you're doing and get out!"
The tramp says "You want to make your f*cking minds up, you've a sign on the window says come inside and pick your ring in comfort."
My problem is reconciling my gross behaviour with my net income.

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jimileysbaldhead
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Re: The funny corner

Post by jimileysbaldhead » Thu Mar 01, 2018 9:08 am

.
My problem is reconciling my gross behaviour with my net income.

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Blještav Benny
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Re: The funny corner

Post by Blještav Benny » Thu Mar 01, 2018 3:16 pm

<laugh>
I'm the scumbag outlaw. You're the pillar of justice. Neither of us like looking at ourselves in the mirror. Do we have a deal?

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Re: The funny corner

Post by daib0 » Tue Mar 06, 2018 5:53 pm

My dear wife just failed the driving test. When the examiner asked: "what sign would you expect to see down a narrow country lane?" there was a big silence.
Then the reply back: ‘fresh farm eggs for sale’ - apparently that wasn’t the correct answer!
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jimileysbaldhead
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Re: The funny corner

Post by jimileysbaldhead » Wed Mar 07, 2018 9:21 am

Two blokes having a pint and one says " I hear the actress who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has ripped her fanny open "

His mate replies " Honor Blackman "

" No, on a barbed wire fence "
My problem is reconciling my gross behaviour with my net income.

daib0
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Re: The funny corner

Post by daib0 » Wed Mar 07, 2018 2:24 pm

I can remember when my mum could send me to the shops with a ten bob note and I would return with 2 loaves, 3 bottles of milk, bag of sugar, carton of tea, 12 rashers of bacon, a block of butter, a block of cheese and even a bag of spuds.

You can't do that these days - too many darned security cameras about!!
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jimileysbaldhead
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Re: The funny corner

Post by jimileysbaldhead » Fri Mar 09, 2018 8:38 am

A lady gets on a bus in Liverpool and asks the driver " is this bus going to Speke?"

The driver says " no lady, it's just an inarticulate lorry "
My problem is reconciling my gross behaviour with my net income.

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Re: The funny corner

Post by daib0 » Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:52 am

40 Year Old Virgin Woman: "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
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jimileysbaldhead
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Re: The funny corner

Post by jimileysbaldhead » Mon Mar 12, 2018 11:57 am

You won't see me taking the p!ss out of small people.
I'm bigger than that.
My problem is reconciling my gross behaviour with my net income.

daib0
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Re: The funny corner

Post by daib0 » Fri Mar 16, 2018 2:15 pm

My wife's just told me she's leaving me because of my outrageous poker addiction...

I think she's bluffing
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jimileysbaldhead
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Re: The funny corner

Post by jimileysbaldhead » Fri Mar 16, 2018 6:43 pm

daib0 wrote:My wife's just told me she's leaving me because of my outrageous poker addiction...

I think she's bluffing
<laugh>
My problem is reconciling my gross behaviour with my net income.

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jimileysbaldhead
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Re: The funny corner

Post by jimileysbaldhead » Fri Mar 16, 2018 10:11 pm

Got to the gym tonight and noticed my trainer has a small hole, just about big enough to get my finger in.
She's cancelled my membership and got the police involved.
My problem is reconciling my gross behaviour with my net income.

daib0
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Re: The funny corner

Post by daib0 » Mon Mar 19, 2018 2:24 pm

Jose Mourinho and Jack Charlton are sat in a bar having a beer
Jose asks Jack ...
"How do you think my current side would do against the great Leeds side of the 70s?"
Jack thinks for a minute then says: "it would be very close and it would probably be a DRAW"
Jose is happy with the answer and gets up leave with a big smile on his face
Then Jack says "mind you, we haven't trained for 40 years"
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Blještav Benny
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Re: The funny corner

Post by Blještav Benny » Mon Mar 19, 2018 2:32 pm

<laugh>
I'm the scumbag outlaw. You're the pillar of justice. Neither of us like looking at ourselves in the mirror. Do we have a deal?

daib0
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Re: The funny corner

Post by daib0 » Tue Mar 20, 2018 2:06 pm

My wife says she's leaving me because I always talk like a newsreader.

More on that story later....
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jimileysbaldhead
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Re: The funny corner

Post by jimileysbaldhead » Thu Mar 29, 2018 5:33 am

The Irish government has advised local councils to save money on lollipop men and women by moving all the schools over to the other side of the road.
My problem is reconciling my gross behaviour with my net income.

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Re: The funny corner

Post by jcgrumbles » Thu Mar 29, 2018 5:48 pm

My wife was yelling at me again the other day for drinking brake fluid, "dont you worry about it" I told her, "im not addicted to it,i can stop whenever I want" .....

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jimileysbaldhead
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Re: The funny corner

Post by jimileysbaldhead » Thu Mar 29, 2018 8:41 pm

Son: Dad, why did you and Mum call my sister Teresa?
Dad: Because it’s an anagram of Easter and your mum loves Easter
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: You’re welcome Alan
My problem is reconciling my gross behaviour with my net income.

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