The Most Painful Injury Thread

[biggeordiedave]

I actually have a rage headache behind my eyes.

[cbrad NUFC]

If Haidara was a member here he'd have something to add to this now.

How did I know someone would put that up here.

[Ramone]

When I was 15 (I think) I was on holiday standing with my back facing the pool when my sister thought it would be a f***ing class idea to push me in. Instead of me flying comically through the air into the cold but nonetheless soft water I sort of slipped backwards and lost my footing. My shin scraped down the side of the pool, tearing the skin off down to the bone. I was left with this horrible gash where the flesh had been torn off and it had this horrible goo inside for weeks. Touching the scar and talking about it still makes me cringe.

[asbo]

I'll take that about the stapler but the rest weren't my fault.

Well the quad bike was but that was stupidity. I tried to take my shirt off going down hill round a corner and it got caught on my head

!

I was 12 at the time and faked an illness to bunk off school. I was eating Super Noodles and watching Neighbours because I was bored. Anyway, I felt a sneeze come on and I spilled burning hot noodle juice onto my leg. All I can remember is screaming and seeing my skin swell up into some sort of puffy island. Suffice to say, my trousers were stuck to my leg, everyone called me "noodle boy" at school and 14 years later I still have this huge scar on my thigh.

I never bunked off school again

I've done something similar but slightly worse. I got home late one night completely trashed and hungry, I had the choice between some microwave rice or a Pot Noodle. I thought as a kettle was less sophisticated than a microwave the noodles would be easier to cook while drunk. After pouring the water in I sat down and started stirring them with a fork, which is a real f*** on to start with because they stay in one massive lump. I'd showered as soon as I got in so all I was wearing was a dressing gown which was hanging open because I'd put it on inside out and couldn't find the rope thing (don't know what it's called) to do it up. In my drunken struggle to stir the solid pot-shaped lump of noodles I somehow managed to scoop half of them into my exposed lap. It vaguely registered at the time that it would hurt in the morning but I was more pissed off about losing half my food, I did toy briefly with the idea of scraping the noodles off my bollocks and back into the pot but in the end decided to just throw the lot in the bin and do some rice instead. I woke up the next morning with agonising scalds to my hands and bollocks.

[Sammy's Mohawk]

I'll take that about the stapler but the rest weren't my fault.

Well the quad bike was but that was stupidity. I tried to take my shirt off going down hill round a corner and it got caught on my head

!

I was 12 at the time and faked an illness to bunk off school. I was eating Super Noodles and watching Neighbours because I was bored. Anyway, I felt a sneeze come on and I spilled burning hot noodle juice onto my leg. All I can remember is screaming and seeing my skin swell up into some sort of puffy island. Suffice to say, my trousers were stuck to my leg, everyone called me "noodle boy" at school and 14 years later I still have this huge scar on my thigh.

I never bunked off school again

I've done something similar but slightly worse. I got home late one night completely trashed and hungry, I had the choice between some microwave rice or a Pot Noodle. I thought as a kettle was less sophisticated than a microwave the noodles would be easier to cook while drunk. After pouring the water in I sat down and started stirring them with a fork, which is a real f*** on to start with because they stay in one massive lump. I'd showered as soon as I got in so all I was wearing was a dressing gown which was hanging open because I'd put it on inside out and couldn't find the rope thing (don't know what it's called) to do it up. In my drunken struggle to stir the solid pot-shaped lump of noodles I somehow managed to scoop half of them into my exposed lap. It vaguely registered at the time that it would hurt in the morning but I was more pissed off about losing half my food, I did toy briefly with the idea of scraping the noodles off my bollocks and back into the pot but in the end decided to just throw the lot in the bin and do some rice instead. I woke up the next morning with agonising scalds to my hands and bollocks.

I can't be bothered to read all of this so i will just take the last line and presume you were wanking over a boiling kettle.

[The deluded fanny magnet]

In my teens i came off my racing bike at speed, the serrated metal pedal gouged a big hole in the back of my left leg. After cycling home my mum decided to call the doctor who told my parents to hold me down on the couch and proceeded to give me six stitches. You could hear the howls for miles.

...and once upon a time, i was climbing into the school yard once, with matches, over one of those wooden pike-like fences. The top of the fence snapped and my knee-cap was punctured by the next spike along, splitting it straight through, I then landed on the fence on my stomach knocking the wind out of me. I fell backwards onto the grass hitting my head and landing in some dog poo. I think there was some pain somewhere

[EastMidlandMagpie]

Towards the end of last season I had been out on the piss on the Friday night, woke up Saturday morning and had a feeling that I shouldn't got to football as something bad was going to happen (in reality i was just hungover) went a long anyway and for some strange reason ended up going in goal with our normal keeper playing CB.

Anyway, around 70 minutes in the opposition get a corner, ends up as a goalmouth scramble, i get a hand on the ball then the next thing i know they've scored.

Then i start to realise i cant feel my fingers, take of my goalie glove and my fingers are all crooked and one was literally hanging down like a flacid cock.

Me being a badass, decided i would just continue playing upfront instead, resulting in me falling on my hand and f***ing it even more.

By the time the game is over and i get to A&E the xray showed that my bones resembled a plate of spaghetti

Nurse said she has never seen anything like it, but due to having private healthcare and an 9 hour operation my hand is now mostly titanium, oh and in my first game back after the injury i was given the captains arm band so it was all worth it.

[beardface]

I've done something similar but slightly worse. I got home late one night completely trashed and hungry, I had the choice between some microwave rice or a Pot Noodle. I thought as a kettle was less sophisticated than a microwave the noodles would be easier to cook while drunk. After pouring the water in I sat down and started stirring them with a fork, which is a real f*** on to start with because they stay in one massive lump. I'd showered as soon as I got in so all I was wearing was a dressing gown which was hanging open because I'd put it on inside out and couldn't find the rope thing (don't know what it's called) to do it up. In my drunken struggle to stir the solid pot-shaped lump of noodles I somehow managed to scoop half of them into my exposed lap. It vaguely registered at the time that it would hurt in the morning but I was more pissed off about losing half my food, I did toy briefly with the idea of scraping the noodles off my bollocks and back into the pot but in the end decided to just throw the lot in the bin and do some rice instead. I woke up the next morning with agonising scalds to my hands and bollocks.

!!

[Beatski]

Towards the end of last season I had been out on the piss on the Friday night, woke up Saturday morning and had a feeling that I shouldn't got to football as something bad was going to happen (in reality i was just hungover) went a long anyway and for some strange reason ended up going in goal with our normal keeper playing CB.

Anyway, around 70 minutes in the opposition get a corner, ends up as a goalmouth scramble, i get a hand on the ball then the next thing i know they've scored.

Then i start to realise i cant feel my fingers, take of my goalie glove and my fingers are all crooked and one was literally hanging down like a flacid cock.

Me being a badass, decided i would just continue playing upfront instead, resulting in me falling on my hand and f****** it even more.

By the time the game is over and i get to A&E the xray showed that my bones resembled a plate of spaghetti

Nurse said she has never seen anything like it, but due to having private healthcare and an 9 hour operation my hand is now mostly titanium, oh and in my first game back after the injury i was given the captains arm band so it was all worth it.

did they give you claws that shoot out of your knuckles as well?

[asbo]

Nurse said she has never seen anything like it, but due to having private healthcare and an 9 hour operation my hand is now mostly titanium, oh and in my first game back after the injury i was given the captains arm band so it was all worth it.

That's so cool. Must be a pain in the arse going through airport security.

[EastMidlandMagpie]

Nurse said she has never seen anything like it, but due to having private healthcare and an 9 hour operation my hand is now mostly titanium, oh and in my first game back after the injury i was given the captains arm band so it was all worth it.

That's so cool. Must be a pain in the arse going through airport security.

For some reason or other titanium doesnt set off the alarms, or so i have been told! My scars resemble something you might see on wolverine's hand too

[Cal]

That's so cool. Must be a pain in the arse going through airport security.

For some reason or other titanium doesnt set off the alarms, or so i have been told! My scars resemble something you might see on wolverine's hand too

You should find a plastic surgeon willing to add retractable titanium (or adamantium if they have any) claws, might as well complete the transformation.

[Heisen]

This didn't happen to me but a friend of a friend, so to speak. He was out partying for his 21st birthday (before I knew him), he did numerous amounts of shots and ended up passing out on the Quayside, next to Riverside. His mates couldn't wake him so a bouncer called an ambulance. When he woke up in the hospital he was strapped down with a catheter in his penis and an outrageous burning in his bell, so he asked what was wrong with his dick. The doctors told him the reason for the burning was they weren’t able to get the catheter out. Apparently he was in the middle of a hallway, unconcious, and all of the doctors were trying to tug it out without success. 

Eventually he went in for surgery and when he woke up the catheter was gone and they released him later that day, but when he went home he went to piss and he didn’t hear anything. He looked down and he was pissing out of his scrotum, apparently they had made an incision in his scrotum and his urethra to get the catheter out and the urine was coming out of that hole.

I still to this day don't know if it's true but it's bloody hilarious.

[jimileysbaldhead]

Many years ago I had the snip and being a trooper decided to honour an invitation I'd received for me and the missus to go to a rund raising dinner for Northumberland Junior Golf.

As recommended by the nurse I kept the tackle from daggling and out of harm's way by wearing my jock strap, swimming trunks and a pair of underpants. Anyway as the evening wore on there was a break in festivities whilst the organisors did the raffle results and as luck would have it my numbers came out of the hat.

After about a minute of excrutiating pain trying to get out of the chair I managed to shuffle across the floor to the large table where the prizes were, just as I was about to pick up the prize I'd selected the woman standing next to me swung round with a holdall she'd won to show her friends and caught me flush in the bollocks.

I cried.

[Somebodys pinched my sombrero]

Biting into a pop tart and it got stuck on your teeth and gums. Feccing Jesus, that hurts.

[asbo]

Biting into a toasted sandwich and it releasing a million degree waft of air into your face.

[TJR]

Ripping my arm open off a spike on a fence.

Back in 2005 when I was a young lad me and my mates decided to climb up onto some porter cabins, once we were on top of them we couldn't jump down because there was nettles below and we didn't have the intelligence required to climb down the side which is how we got up. Instead we decided to jump across to a spiked fence and climb down the fence. Unfortunately I over did my jump, my hand went past the fence and my arm got sliced open, it was pretty cool seeing everything in your arm hanging out though. Luckily I missed pretty much everything inside my arm and the doctors said I was a mm away from the main artery and I probably would have bled to death. When I got to the hospital they put iodine on it and f***ing hell it was painful, I have a decent pain thresh hold but that was horribly, the most pain I've ever been in. The doctors were fantastic mind, they thought I'd have to have a skin transplant as some of my skin was left on the fence but they managed to stitch it up with what was left, I've got a massive scar and still have one of the stitches in today but what they managed to do was incredible.

Other than that the only injuries I have had is a re-occurring ankle one. I was playing football, no one anywhere near me I was running up the wing with the ball unchallenged and it just went. It was painful but no where near as bad as my arm was. I wasn't supposed to play football for a couple of month but being an over eager idiot I went against medical advice and started playing again through the pain after a month. Which f***ed it up even more and that was a few years ago but every now and again it keeps coming back.

[Duke]

Biting into a toasted sandwich and it releasing a million degree waft of air into your face.

Whilst molten cheese at 6000°C burns a hole in your tongue

[Lidl]

Painfully embarrassing as well as painful.

Playing football in the gym at school and was wearing suit trousers as I'd forgotten shorts. Went to challenge for a ball, stretched too far and rolled my ankle whilst also ripping my trousers in half right down the middle. Was then twatted in the face with the ball as I got up.

[Tomski]