The funny corner

[daib0]

[daib0]

so ... It’s the Olympic Fishing event today.
I hear it’s all online...
Anyone got a good stream?

[daib0]

A reporter meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick and asks:
“Are you a pole vaulter?”
“No,” says the man, “I’m German. But how on earth did you know my name is Walter?"

[bodacious benny]

[daib0]

Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the
Paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do
Sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole
Person. Pepole really seam to respond goodly to me.

I'm lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it Kant be 2
Complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a
Job Bcuz of my persinalety..

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want
To pay me and wat you think that I am wurth, I can start imeditely.

Thank you in advanse 4 yore Anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,



Peggy May McBiggins



PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low.




---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Peggy May:

Start on Monday.

[daib0]

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy “I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, “I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!” Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts “Paddy you’re mad, go home”.

So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. “Where the hell are you going?” asks the Foreman. “I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” says Murphy.

[Mbemba You're a Womble]

Paddy and Murphy are two Irish brothers. One day, sat in the pub, they decide them to become pig farmers together. The next day, they head off to the farmers market and buy two pigs. After taking their pigs home, Paddy turns to Murphy wondering how they will identify the pigs - "both our pigs look the same, however will be know who's is who's.."

"ahh, good question Paddy! I know, I'll cut an ear from my pig. So my pig will be the pig with one ear!" So Murphy takes a knife and chops an ear from his pig...

The next day, feeding the pigs they see one has eaten an ear from the other pig. "Ahh f*** Paddy, my pig has eaten one of your pig's ears off! We've both got one eared pigs! Now how are we meant to know who's pig is who's..."

Thinking fast Paddy replies, "I know, I'll cut another ear off, and that'll be my pig with no ears". Paddy whips out his knife, and chops another ear off the pig...

The next day, their again feeding the pigs to again find that a pig has eaten the others ear. "f***ing hell Paddy, you're pig has eaten my pigs ear off, how are we going to tell the difference again! We've both got one pigs with no ears!"

This time Murphy has a better idea, "I know, I'll cut my pig's tail off - so my pig will have no ears, and no tail" "Great idea Murphy!" So Murphy takes his knife, and chops the tail from his pig...

The next day, once again as their feeding their pigs, Paddy sees that Murphy's pig has eaten his pig's tail. "f***ing hell Murphy, you're pig has eaten my pig's tail! Now how are we going to tell them apart? We've both got pigs with no ears and no tail!"

"Ahh, f***" replies Paddy. "Well, I know - you have the brown one, and I'll have the black one".

[jimileysbaldhead]

An Indian man has been arrested for assaulting his wife.
Chindda Goodunproppa denies all charges.

[daib0]

Charles decided to take up walking every day.
However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she’d shout.
"No, five pounds!" he'd say, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!”
He'd yell back, "no, five pounds!"
One day, Camila decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camila would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood.
He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for five pounds, you tight b**^Ѩ!!"

[bodacious benny]

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?

SpoilerShow

It turned into a field.

[jimileysbaldhead]

I can't speak for everyone but I think I'm a terrible ventriloquist.

[daib0]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along
very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions;
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No we have a carport, and not need one.
I mean, What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
Polish Remover.

[daib0]

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches.

You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk.

[bodacious benny]

[jimileysbaldhead]

Just received this back from Channel 4...

On behalf of Channel 4, may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new upcoming reality TV show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed of your wife. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some misunderstanding of the programmes content and the correct title of the series, which is actually, "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards,

Director of Programmes Channel 4.

[Dorty]

Ha ha Jim

Doctor , doctor, one of my testicles is bigger than the other three

[jimileysbaldhead]

I think I saw Michael J Fox at our local garden centre yesterday. I’m not 100% sure though because he had his back to the fuschias...

[Micky Quim]

Who was the fattest knight at King Arthurs round table?

Sir Cumference

[daib0]

To build up my confidence, I went to the local shopping centre and surveyed a hundred passing women around my age with the question "Do you find me attractive ?"

I produced the pie chart below from the answers :

[jimileysbaldhead]

" I think the wife's died "

" What do you mean, you think your wife's died ?"

" Well, the sex is the same but there's a big pile of ironing in the basket "