ToonForum - Newcastle United Forum

I was walking to the pub with a mate and we saw a stray dog sat on the pavement licking his balls.

My pal says “I wish I could do that “
I said “ask him he might let you”

............


A bloke up the street knocked on my door last night and said,
“Your dog is out of control , he keeps going for my son on his bike”

I said “I’m so sorry , I’ll take the bike off the dog”.

I went to the cemetery yesterday and laid some roses on my mother in law's grave.

Just the coffee flavoured ones though I like all the others.

My girlfriend laughed at me when I said I had a car made of spaghetti. You should've seen her face as I drove pasta...

I didn't realise Mugabe was from Yorkshire until i read his name backwards.

Tsi wrote:I didn't realise Mugabe was from Yorkshire until i read his name backwards.

Tsi wrote:I didn't realise Mugabe was from Yorkshire until i read his name backwards.

Tsi wrote:I didn't realise Mugabe was from Yorkshire until i read his name backwards.

Another Yorkshire related joke...

Tha weren't no paedophiles when I wa a lad... we had to buy us own sweets.

Issac Barn

I was in Yorkshire last weekend and the missus wanted something for the new bathroom. She asked for towels in Laura Ashley and the girl gave her directions to a bird sanctuary.

11 ways to annoy a Yorkshire person
http://home.bt.com/lifestyle/11-ways-to ... 3923582888

Paddy and Mick are walking along a forest trail, when they see a sign saying "Tree Fellers Wanted"

Says Mick - "it's an awful shame Seamus isn't here"

Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says" I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach", then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything", so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies "thats me when I played for Juventus”.

jimileysbaldhead wrote:Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says" I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach", then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything", so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies "thats me when I played for Juventus”.

InAntigua, a steak pie is $2.69
In the Bahamas a steak pie is $2.99
In Dominica, a steak pie is $2.99
In the Dominican Republic a steak pie is $2.39
In Haiti, a steak pie is $2.39
In Jamaica, a steak pie is $2.49
In Saint Lucia, a steak pie is $2.39
In Trinidad and Tobago, a steak pie is $2.19

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

David Beckham gets into a taxi and notices the driver looking at him in the rear-view mirror.
After a couple of minutes the driver says: "OK, give me a clue."
Beckham says: "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England. Is that enough?"
Driver replies: "No, you dopy b*gger . Where do you want to go?”

Saw an advert this morning " hair pieces from £5.00 "
I thought that's a small price toupee.

It's a good job that we have a very broad definition of 'funny' around here lads

I bumped into J K Rowling yesterday so I asked her about Harry's father, she thinks it's James Hewitt too !

I met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds weird, dozen t**?