The funny corner

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Bodacious Benny
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Re: The funny corner

Post by Bodacious Benny » Fri Mar 30, 2018 7:33 pm

jimileysbaldhead wrote:Son: Dad, why did you and Mum call my sister Teresa?
Dad: Because it’s an anagram of Easter and your mum loves Easter
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: You’re welcome Alan
<laugh>

It was worth waiting for a decent joke <laugh>
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Re: The funny corner

Post by daib0 » Sun Apr 01, 2018 7:27 pm

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties'
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Re: The funny corner

Post by Tsi » Mon Apr 02, 2018 12:33 am

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

<coat>

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Re: The funny corner

Post by Hjl » Mon Apr 02, 2018 5:01 am

What did communists use to illuminate their houses before the candle?

The lightbulb.

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Re: The funny corner

Post by Hjl » Mon Apr 02, 2018 5:08 am

Q: Why is communism superior to capitalism?

A: Because it heroically overcomes problems that do not exist in any other system.

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Re: The funny corner

Post by Hjl » Mon Apr 02, 2018 5:09 am

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve.

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

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Re: The funny corner

Post by jimileysbaldhead » Wed Apr 04, 2018 11:09 am

In 1272 the Welsh invented the condom by using a sheep's lower intestine.

1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.
My problem is reconciling my gross behaviour with my net income.

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Re: The funny corner

Post by daib0 » Fri Apr 13, 2018 7:35 pm

The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

"8 or 9 at least." I said.

"Out of 10?" she smiled. "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered."

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints!
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Re: The funny corner

Post by Tsi » Sat Apr 14, 2018 2:24 am

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

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Re: The funny corner

Post by daib0 » Tue Apr 17, 2018 3:16 pm

Image
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Re: The funny corner

Post by jimileysbaldhead » Tue Apr 17, 2018 6:40 pm

People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins, but take a look at me now.
My problem is reconciling my gross behaviour with my net income.

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Re: The funny corner

Post by lassassinblanc » Tue Apr 17, 2018 7:10 pm

jimileysbaldhead wrote:People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins, but take a look at me now.

brilliant
I'll Hazard a guess

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Re: The funny corner

Post by daib0 » Fri Apr 20, 2018 3:34 pm

I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.

Sadly, there was no plaque on it...
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Re: The funny corner

Post by Tsi » Fri Apr 20, 2018 3:48 pm

A seal walks into a club...


<roll>

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter

<coat>

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Re: The funny corner

Post by jimileysbaldhead » Fri Apr 20, 2018 10:12 pm

Five out of six people agree that Russian roulette is safe.
My problem is reconciling my gross behaviour with my net income.

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Re: The funny corner

Post by Bodacious Benny » Fri Apr 20, 2018 10:27 pm

daib0 wrote:A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties'
Probably the longest quote ever....but worth the read to the end <laugh>
I'm the scumbag outlaw. You're the pillar of justice. Neither of us like looking at ourselves in the mirror. Do we have a deal?

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Re: The funny corner

Post by Hjl » Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:29 pm

I got one, Sunderland are in league 1!

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Re: The funny corner

Post by daib0 » Sun Apr 22, 2018 4:35 pm

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ass. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is ...sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring all your implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.We'll go hot and heavy all night Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but ....for an outside line you need to press 9."
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Re: The funny corner

Post by Bodacious Benny » Mon Apr 23, 2018 9:32 am

We've named our office photocopier Bob Marley because it's always jamming.
I'm the scumbag outlaw. You're the pillar of justice. Neither of us like looking at ourselves in the mirror. Do we have a deal?

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Re: The funny corner

Post by daib0 » Wed Apr 25, 2018 4:22 pm

Worst pitch invader ever!

haha

<laugh>
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