ToonForum - Newcastle United Forum

I was invited to speak at the annual Bulimia Society dinner last night, the place was heaving.

Went to get my testicles checked last week.
The little Thai nurse cupped her hands round them and said " don't worry it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure "
I said " I haven't got an erection "
She replied " No, but I have "

It's my Scouse nephew's birthday today so I put a tenner in his Nan's purse.

A bloke's missus gives him an ultimatum that if he doesn't stop drinking to excess she's going to leave him.
That night he pops into the pub on the way home from work, get's absolutely sh!t faced and throws up all over himself.
He says to his mate " that's me f***ed, the missus warned me she'd leave if I ever came home in this state again "
His mate says " don"t worry, put a £20 note in your pocket and tell her someone in the bar was sick all over you and gave you the money to clean your suit "
The fella goes home and his wife starts on him.
" Hang on a minute " he says " some bloke in the pub threw up all over me and gave me £20 to clean my suit "
His missus says " why have you got two £20 notes?"
He replies " the other one's from the chap who shat in my pants "

Did you hear the new Elton John joke?

It's a little bit funny

A city in Yorkshire has gone missing. Police are currently looking for Leeds

Lassassinblanc wrote:A city in Yorkshire has gone missing. Police are currently looking for Leeds

Just found an origami porn site but it's paper view.

jimileysbaldhead wrote:Just found an origami porn site but it's paper view.

1981
English Prince gets married
Liverpool win Champions league
Pope dies

2005
English Prince gets married
Liverpool win Champions league
Pope dies

2018
English Prince gets married
Liverpool goalie saves Pope's life.

My wife said she's leaving me because I always jump to conclusions.
Now it turns out she isn't.

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office.

The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!

"Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.

"The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet.

"Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.

"The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.

"The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and p*ss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!"

Trainspotters, how sad are they, I counted 35 the other day.

So....... you are in Primark - you're second in the queue at the checkout,


The woman in front, after much searching discovers she has not got her purse with her.


You then discover you have not got yours.


Then a friend, who is some way down a rapidly building queue calls out that you can borrow her purse.


Now rather than lose her place in the queue she calls out that she will throw it to you.


Once she has thrown it, and ( this is important ) only when she has thrown it you can dodge in front of the woman in front, catch the purse and confront the girl on the checkout.


Think the ladies will understand that?

Some Gringo's pinched my sombrero wrote: ↑

Sun Jun 10, 2018 8:50 am

So....... you are in Primark - you're second in the queue at the checkout,


The woman in front, after much searching discovers she has not got her purse with her.


You then discover you have not got yours.


Then a friend, who is some way down a rapidly building queue calls out that you can borrow her purse.


Now rather than lose her place in the queue she calls out that she will throw it to you.


Once she has thrown it, and ( this is important ) only when she has thrown it you can dodge in front of the woman in front, catch the purse and confront the girl on the checkout.


Think the ladies will understand that?

Took me a few minutes.

bigbelgiandave wrote: ↑

Mon Jun 11, 2018 7:52 am

Some Gringo's pinched my sombrero wrote: ↑

Sun Jun 10, 2018 8:50 am

So....... you are in Primark - you're second in the queue at the checkout,


The woman in front, after much searching discovers she has not got her purse with her.


You then discover you have not got yours.


Then a friend, who is some way down a rapidly building queue calls out that you can borrow her purse.


Now rather than lose her place in the queue she calls out that she will throw it to you.


Once she has thrown it, and ( this is important ) only when she has thrown it you can dodge in front of the woman in front, catch the purse and confront the girl on the checkout.


Think the ladies will understand that?

Took me a few minutes.

Ha. I should have mentioned the offside rule

Some Gringo's pinched my sombrero wrote: ↑

Mon Jun 11, 2018 6:53 pm

bigbelgiandave wrote: ↑

Mon Jun 11, 2018 7:52 am

Took me a few minutes.

Ha. I should have mentioned the offside rule

Ah I thought that was the point of the joke! I wouldn't have laughed if it had been immediately obvious what it was about