The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Asprillasfurcoat
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The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by Asprillasfurcoat » Mon Oct 01, 2018 12:40 pm

A place to sweep away all the doom and gloom and negativity, and delight in the "what could be's" .. don't forget, if the theory of infinite bubble universes , where every possibility no matter how unlikely, MUST be played out, then somewhere out there in the vastness of space right now, is a NUFC that's won 18 European Cups, 37 FA Cups, 48 League Titles, 12 League Cups, 13 Europa Leagues and 20 world club championships ..

Peter Kenyon and his consortium buys NUFC tomorrow
Kenyon meets with Rafa and gives him a 3 year new deal, with the instruction that we must win at least one trophy in that time.
Gives Rafa a £ 80m budget for January, and then £ 400m next summer.
Simon Cowells head explodes in the Maldives from over botoxing.
The mood round the club is immediately lifted, and ww win 0-4 at Old Trafford, with a Joselu hattrick, the 4th scored by Dubravka from his own area.
By Christmas we're 5th, and joint top scorers in the league
Christina Hendricks is brought onto the board of NUFC, for no sound football reason whatsoever, but turns up to every game in a too-small thin white t shirt and hotpants, so no-one cares
We finish 3rd, and win the FA Cup, beating Sunderland in the semi final 8-0, then Liverpool in the final 4-0
Next season, strengthend by our summer signings, we win the League by 18 points, and reach the Champions League Final, where we batter Real Madrid 5-0
Sam Allardyce is caught giving Alan Pardew a reach-around in a public toilet in St Ives. Both are publically humiliated , and exiled to a small island 200kms south west of the Phillipines, where they exists for the rest of their days on a diet of raw sea cucumbers and octopus secretions.
Oil is discovered just outside the Strawberry, and Newcastle becomes an independent oil rich state, and within 5 years Geordies have the highest standard of living anywhere on the planet.

:)
What a player! What a signing! What a day for Newcastle United! .. actual BBC commentary from Moussa Sissoko's first game for Newcastle United

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overseasTOON
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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by overseasTOON » Mon Oct 01, 2018 12:50 pm

Newcastle travel to Man Utd and manage to have 4 shots on target in a single game.

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lassassinblanc
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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by lassassinblanc » Mon Oct 01, 2018 1:21 pm

Do know that Christina Hendricks isn't a natural red head
I'll Hazard a guess

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The Deluded Pablo Diego Jose Francisco
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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by The Deluded Pablo Diego Jose Francisco » Mon Oct 01, 2018 1:27 pm

I feel changing the title of this thread from 'The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..' to 'The deluded NUFC thread'.

It just feels more of a throwback to an era when we were less s*** but still had hope.

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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by Bruuuuuuuuce () » Mon Oct 01, 2018 2:07 pm

2021, we suffer relegation to league 1 with 52000 fans turning up and backing steve evans lads for the entirety of the championship season. charlie adam wins fans player of the year having scored 2 goals and gotten 2 assists having never left the centre circle

due to the clubs cutbacks on staff and player wages, the club are still operating at a profit which see mike ashley come out after the final whistle of the last game of the season to announce that the club are going to spend any money they make. this rejuvenates the fans who can see better days ahead under mike ashleys leadership.

though, when the new health and safety laws got passed following brexit, the club are no longer able to train at their current training base having not been touched or revamped since the mid-1900's, so are forced to use cows as goalposts as they train on the town moor.

-------

plenty of things to be optimistic about in there.

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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by Bodacious Benny » Mon Oct 01, 2018 2:29 pm

overseasTOON wrote:
Mon Oct 01, 2018 12:50 pm
Newcastle travel to Man Utd and manage to have 4 shots on target in a single game.
Let's not go completely nuts now.
I'm the scumbag outlaw. You're the pillar of justice. Neither of us like looking at ourselves in the mirror. Do we have a deal?

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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by overseasTOON » Mon Oct 01, 2018 2:40 pm

It’s been several months since Newcastle fan Simon Williams found a pube on the toilet floor which he was sure belonged to Newcastle legend Alan Shearer.

“I were pissing in the Strawberry and minding me own business when I glanced up quickly after the fella pissing next to me moved away. I didn’t get a look at his face like but he was bald and was wearing a Shearer top and I’d had a few beers like. I looked down and spotted a pube on the floor right where Alan had been pissing a few moments before and I had an epiphany.”

Simon Williams just happens to be a world leading authority on human genomes and had recently attended an international conference in Hull discussing the future of cloning.

“We’ve been s*** like for ages and I thought back to the team me Dad used to talk about. Shearer. Ferdinand. Ginola. Lionel Pérez. It just made sense. Why not collect samples from these legends and clone em? We’d be bloody brilliant again”

After securing crowdfunding Simon was ready.

“A mate told me I could use his shed for a bit to clone so we ran a few extension cables from the lounge down towards it and then I began to splice the Shearer DNA and I left it for a while to work it’s magic. While waiting for Shearer to grow I used Wikipedia to source the location of some top players we used to have. I managed to snag a moustache trimming from Albert off the top of some root veg in his shop. The missus swiped a few wine glasses off a table that she swore Ginola had taken a sip from. It was a busy time.”

So what are the results?

“It’s still early days yet but I’m hopeful. The Shearer turned out not to be Shearer. It’s just some bald bloke but we’re hoping to be able to sell him off to Sunderland to increase our funding.”

What about the others?

“Ginola turned out to be a woman. Looks like we swiped his wife's glass. Cracking pair of t*** mind. Albert? Well, I’ve essentially grown a sentient 6 foot tall moustached parsnip.”

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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by Graw » Mon Oct 01, 2018 2:54 pm

It was all believable right up until ‘Joselu scoring a hat trick’

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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by Hjl » Tue Oct 02, 2018 2:17 am

Graw wrote:
Mon Oct 01, 2018 2:54 pm
It was all believable right up until ‘Joselu scoring a hat trick’
Perez collects an aerial ball with perfect control, dribbles it past one, muscles past a second, then lays it off to Joselu who scores a belter from outside the area.

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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by krully » Tue Oct 02, 2018 1:26 pm

Deluded mag kernts 😂😂🤣

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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by Chappy » Wed Oct 03, 2018 2:35 am

Too much morale. Get out.
It’s the noise, the passion, the feeling of belonging, the pride in your city.

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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by Blue & Maroon » Fri Oct 05, 2018 6:16 pm

Chappy wrote:
Wed Oct 03, 2018 2:35 am
Too much morale. Get out.
Image

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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by Bruuuuuuuuce () » Mon Oct 08, 2018 8:31 am

Why lie 20th in the table for possession stats this season, as well as pass completion stats too. At least there's room for improvement.

Sweepstake on the next game in the Premier League where we have 50+% possession?

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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by UlversToon » Mon Oct 08, 2018 9:55 am

Luque wrote:
Mon Oct 08, 2018 8:31 am
Why lie 20th in the table for possession stats this season, as well as pass completion stats too. At least there's room for improvement.

Sweepstake on the next game in the Premier League where we have 50+% possession?
2021/22 after a couple of season in The Championship!

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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by Chappy » Mon Oct 08, 2018 10:43 am

Close this thread immediately
It’s the noise, the passion, the feeling of belonging, the pride in your city.

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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by The Deluded Pablo Diego Jose Francisco » Mon Oct 08, 2018 1:11 pm

Luque wrote:
Mon Oct 08, 2018 8:31 am
Why lie 20th in the table for possession stats this season, as well as pass completion stats too. At least there's room for improvement.

Sweepstake on the next game in the Premier League where we have 50+% possession?
I wonder if there's a stat that can tell us how many times we've ended the game with more than 50% possession while under Rafa?

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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by Hjl » Mon Oct 08, 2018 1:12 pm

I had to work all weekend and so I missed the United game. That's pretty good for my moral!

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Re: The ridiculously happy and overly optimpistic NUFC thread..

Post by biggeordiedave » Mon Oct 08, 2018 5:54 pm

Hjl wrote:
Mon Oct 08, 2018 1:12 pm
I had to work all weekend and so I missed the United game. That's pretty good for my moral!
I was away and saw that we went 2-0 up and immediately knew that we'd peaked too early. The defeat was inevitable and I was okay with that outcome long before it was confirmed.
Kindly deeds done for free!

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